david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
