I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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