There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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