i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
