You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Still dying that you shit outside
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
