Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
