ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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