Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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