I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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