Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize