one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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