Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
