I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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