I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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