she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize