I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
