Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
