I'm eating all of the evidence.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
