i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Every concussion has its silver lining
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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