I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
