its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
