Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
