three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
