who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
