He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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