This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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