He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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