Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
