There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we have officially lost it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
