Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
