so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
