I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
