i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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