i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Soap is not a condiment
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
