remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
