dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
