forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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