My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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