it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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