Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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