I accidentally had phone sex last night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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