mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
