I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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