Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
