so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
