did you get engaged???
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize