They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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