Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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