i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You took a bar mat shot.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
