When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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