even my farts smell like vagina
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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