I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The uberlube is also flammable
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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