I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize