Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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