It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
