I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
