I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
