ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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